


we fight more these days, how much did i do for you?

by kistachies (hqkaiden)



Series: we look exactly like when we first met [2]
Category: UP10TION
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Implied Unhealthy Relationship, Implied/Referenced Abusive Relationship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 06:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8317939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hqkaiden/pseuds/kistachies
Summary: sungjoon knows he shouldn't expect change, but he still does it anyway.





	

**Author's Note:**

> !! please pay attention to the tags !!
> 
> its time for my monthly upload oh boy ! 
> 
> yes yes i am back with more weiyoul what else would i write 
> 
> some trigger warnings for this!! this is a bit more,, erm,, angsty?? more serious?? than my other things? just please heed the warnings in the tags!!!
> 
> i guess thats it? i hope u guys enjoy it!! feedback & comments are greatly appreciated and help motivate me to write more so ! 
> 
> title is from take care of you by giriboy!! 10/10 would recommend its a rlly good song
> 
> my twitter: @jisungsluv

  
Sungjoon tries to take care of him. He really does.

Whenever Yein comes to his apartment, leaning against the door with a week’s worth of fatigue and stress, Sungjoon takes him into his arms and kisses it all away. Whenever Yein calls him, past 1 am, voice hoarse and thick with tears, Sungjoon rubs away his sleep and rushes to wherever Yein is, no matter the distance nor place. And whenever Yein yells at himself, pure and unadulterated anger and hatred bubbling up, Sungjoon sits quiet until he’s done, done picking apart every little detail of himself. And he picks him up and puts him back together. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Until one day, it changes.

One day, Yein doesn’t come knocking on his door, doesn’t come seeking comfort in the form of Sungjoon’s lips. Sungjoon stays up the entire night, waiting and waiting in case Yein may have just lost track of time, or had to pick up an extra shift. But when the morning rolls around and no message from Yein comes, Sungjoon resigns himself to go about his day with worry all throughout his mind.

(But Yein shows up later that night, with all kinds of colors decorating his neck. When Sungjoon asks what happened, where they came from, Yein just pushes past him and marches into the kitchen, muttering something about barbaric clients.

Sungjoon has enough sense to know that, in the past years when Yein’s showed up after a shift, it’s not from the clients.

But, they both forget about that small disruption in their schedule when Yein turns up the next weekend, right when Sungjoon expects him to.)

-

Yein and Sungjoon aren’t dating. Despite what all of their friends say, they’re purely platonic. Yein says he goes to Sungjoon’s place so often because he always gets fed, and Sungjoon can’t argue it.

Yein does have a boyfriend, though. Or so he says.

Sungjoon has never seen the guy before, and only knows him by the name of ‘Kuhn.’ Yein doesn’t talk about him, only having ever said that he’s a year older and lives in Ansan. Which makes sense, considering it takes less than an hour to get to Ansan from Seoul. Yein says they’re happy, and his friends have no choice but to believe him.

(Sungjoon doesn’t. Not one bit.)

-

Yein hates himself, and it’s no secret to Sungjoon.

It’s no secret to Sungjoon that, sometimes, Yein lies awake at night, picking apart and pointing out everything wrong with himself until sleeps comes and blurs his mind. Sungjoon also knows what the scars decorating Yein’s thighs are from, and he knows what the notebooks and notebooks full of lyrics sing about. And while Sungjoon knows of all this, it doesn’t mean he’s ever witnessed it.

Fate is set on changing that, though.

It happens on a Saturday night, the clock nearing 11 PM. Yein has the late shift tonight, and Sungjoon knows not to expect him to show up until 2 AM. But at 11:03, the doorbell rings over and over, accompanied by harsh knocking. Scurrying to the door, he’s surprised to see Yein there, face flushed and eyes glossy. There’s blood slowly trailing from his lip, and Sungjoon can see red bleeding through his shirt and shorts.

He tugs him into the apartment, dragging him to the bathroom where a first aid kit is stashed. He knows better than to try and talk to Yein while cleaning his cuts, so he waits until the blood is gone and wounds are dressed to ask.

"Yein? What happened?” Sungjoon makes sure his voice is soft and quiet, and rubs a comforting hand across Yein’s back. But when no response comes from the smaller male, he uses his other hand to softly turn Yein’s head toward his own.

"Yein, you have to tell me what happened.”

“I was wrong. I did something wrong.” His voice is barely a whisper, and he sounds so out of it that it’s starting to scare Sungjoon.

“What? What do you mean you did something wrong?”

"He got so mad, Sungjoon. He never gets mad at me. I was wrong.”

"No, no I’m sure you weren’t. Who… who got mad, though? Was it Kuhn?”

"He said I was wrong, Sungjoon. If he said it, it must be true, right? He wouldn’t lie to me, he loves me.”

Sungjoon chokes on his breath. "No… I don’t think that’s how it works, Yein.”

"Yes, it is! How would you even know? I messed up, like always, and he got mad! I deserved it, for goodness sake!”

"No, you didn’t! If he loved you, he wouldn’t have gotten mad, he would’ve helped you fix it! I love you too, don’t I? Do you think I would have yelled at you and gotten mad if you messed up? Hm?”

"Yes, you’re doing it right now!” Yein huffs, face visibly redder by now. He gets off the bathroom counter to stand in front of Sungjoon, near the door.

Sungjoon scoffs in disbelief. “What? I am not! I’m just yelling because you yelled first!”

“Oh, so now it’s my fault! Okay! It’s always my fault, huh?”

"Yein, I didn’t say that, I just meant that you--”

  
“That I always cause all the problems? The arguments? No need to tell me, I already know that much.”

"Yein, stop putting words in my mouth and let me talk!” Sungjoon’s frustrated by now, eyebrows furrowed and arms crossed.

“See, see--you’re getting mad too!” Yein’s face, which before was contorted with irritability, is now sagging with a haunted and wan expression. "You’re tired of me, aren’t you Sungjoon? God, I’m so annoying that even my best friend hates me now.”

"No, no, Yein, no. I don’t hate you, not one bit, it’s just--”

“Quit lying. Who wouldn’t hate me? I’m such a bad person; I’m always depending on others and I cry easily and I always take and never give and, and--no wonder Kuhn yelled at me, god--” Yein’s eyes are red and wet, the tears cascading down his face without hesitation. He backs up against the door, sliding down and holding his knees tight against himself. He begins to mutter things to himself, his voice too muffled for Sungjoon to make anything of it.

Sungjoon freezes for barely a moment before crouching down and reaching out a hand to touch Yein--except, Yein flinches away and swats at it, His murmurs increasing rapidly. He begins to tremble and his breathing speeds up, sobs now sounding like gasps for air. His eyes get a distant look in them, like they’ve given up on focusing on anything.

Sungjoon doesn’t know what to do. At all.

He’s never witnessed an anxiety attack like this before, and therefore has no clue how to handle a breakdown of this intensity.

He moves to grab both of Yein’s arms so that he can't move away, and wraps him in a hug-slash-restraint. Sungjoon remembers reading somewhere that regulating someone's breathing can help stop anxiety attacks, so that's what he does.

Sungjoon takes long, deep breaths in hopes that Yein’s body will feel it and naturally begin to do so.

“In and out, sweetheart. Breathe in, and out,” Sungjoon whispers. Yein is still gasping, still shaking, eyes dilated, but he begins to level his breathing with Sungjoon’s. Slowly, the reddish tint to his face fades into a light pink, and his gasps become quieter and quieter.

After another five minutes of silence and breathing, Sungjoon shifts to get off the floor, and then turns around to pick up Yein. Yein is significantly smaller than him, and even then is at a lower than average weight for his size. (It never ceases to worry Sungjoon, either.)

He carries Yein into the single bedroom, laying him on the bed and pulling the covers over him. It’s almost 1 AM now, and Sungjoon would be lying if he said he wasn’t tired. He turns around to go to living room, resigning himself to the couch for the night, but Yein grabs his hand and pulls him back.

“Stay. Just for tonight, please.” His voice is quiet, quieter than it’s ever been, and sounds so flat that one would mistake it for a robot. It sends unpleasant shivers down Sungjoon’s spine.

He nods and goes to the other side of the bed, lying as close to the edge as he can get. Yein, however, moves closer and hugs him from behind, burying his face in Sungjoon’s hoodie. And, while he knows this isn’t the best time to say anything, he still says the one thing that’s been on his mind for weeks.

“You need to leave him, Yein.”

Yein, surprisingly, responds back immediately. “Things will change.”

“Really? Pinky promise?” He puts his pinky up and wiggles it.

It’s dark, but Yein still lifts his own pinky to find Sungjoon’s. “I pinky promise.”

Sungjoon smiles and takes the answer, closing his own eyes. But he waits until Yein’s breathing evens out to finish what he’s wanted to say.

“For me. You need to leave him for me.” He wets his lips, yet says nothing else. Not much later, sleep comes to take him.

(When Sungjoon wakes up the next morning, Yein’s gone, leaving a note saying, ‘I’ll be at Kuhn’s next weekend, don’t wait up for me next Saturday.’

And Sungjoon knows things won’t change.)


End file.
